Rewriting Your Own Answer to the Next Band
The same email, written three times. Seeing exactly which words change between bands is worth more than any list of descriptors.
The prompt, and how to use this lesson
Task 1. Last month you hired Maple Ridge Movers to move your belongings to a new apartment. When you unpacked, you found that a glass cabinet was cracked and that a box of kitchen items was missing. The crew leader told you to contact the office, and two phone calls have gone unanswered. Write an email of 150 to 200 words to the customer service manager. In your email: give the date of the move, your booking number and the amount you paid; describe the damaged and missing items and how you discovered the problem; say what you want the company to do and by what date you expect a reply.
Below are three complete answers to that prompt, written for this lesson to isolate what changes between bands. Read them in order, then read the analysis between them. The useful exercise afterwards is to take one of your own practice answers and perform the same two moves on it.
One thing to watch for as you read: the vocabulary barely changes. Almost every difference between the band 7 version and the band 11 version is specificity, fidelity to the prompt, and sentence control.
Band 7: the version that works but has gaps
Subject: Complaint about my move
Dear Sir or Madam,
I hope this email finds you well. My name is Daniel and I recently used your company for moving my things to my new apartment. I am writing because I am not happy with the service and I would like to complain about it.
I moved last month and I paid a lot of money for this service. When I unpacked the boxes, I found that my cabinet was damaged. Also, one of the boxes was missing. This was very disappointing for me because these items are important.
Your crew leader said I should call the office. I called two times but nobody answered me. This is not a good service and I am very frustrated with this situation.
Please look into this matter and do the needful as soon as possible. I hope to hear from you at your earliest convenience.
Thank you,
Daniel
That is 167 words. It is in range, it is comprehensible, the register is broadly formal, and nothing in it is hard to follow. It is also a clear 7 to 8, and the reasons are specific rather than general.
What is holding the band 7 version down
Bullet one is not answered. The prompt asks for the date of the move, the booking number and the amount paid. The response says last month and a lot of money, and never gives a booking number at all. That is a bullet mentioned rather than answered, and it caps Task Fulfilment.
A supplied fact is lost. The prompt says a box of kitchen items. The response says one of the boxes. The content of the fact has been dropped, which is precisely the 7 to 8 descriptor: a given detail altered or dropped.
The name is ignored. The prompt addresses the email to the customer service manager, and the response opens Dear Sir or Madam. Where the prompt supplies a name or a role, using it is part of reading the scenario.
Forty-two words of padding. I hope this email finds you well ... I would like to complain about it contains no fact. Those words are why bullet one is starved.
Emotion instead of consequence. Very disappointing, not a good service, very frustrated. Three intensifiers, no observable effect. Content and Coherence rewards support, and an intensifier is not support.
The request names nothing. Please look into this matter and do the needful asks for no specific action and sets no date, so the third bullet is half answered. Do the needful is also a collocation error that Vocabulary marks down.
Band 9: the same email with the gaps closed
Subject: Damage and Missing Items, Move on 14 March, Booking MR-40821
Dear Ms Okafor,
I am writing about damage that occurred during my move on 14 March, carried out under booking number MR-40821, for which I paid $1,340.
When I unpacked the following morning, I found that the glass door of my display cabinet had cracked across its full width. A box of kitchen items was also missing from the delivery. Because it contained everyday cookware, I have had to buy replacements while I wait, and the cabinet cannot be used until the glass is replaced.
Your crew leader advised me to contact your office directly. I have called twice since then and have not reached anyone, and neither call was returned.
I would appreciate it if you could arrange an inspection of the cabinet this week and confirm in writing what compensation you are able to offer for the missing box. Could you please reply by Friday 21 March.
Sincerely,
Daniel Reyes
That is 178 words, eleven more than the band 7 version. Not a single rare word has been introduced.
Rewrite one paragraph at a time, not a whole answer. The 7-to-9 move on a single bullet is roughly fifteen words of change, and doing it by hand a few times is what makes it automatic under time pressure.
The seven changes that made the difference
One. The subject line now carries the issue and an identifier instead of the word Complaint. Eight words, and it orients the reader immediately.
Two. Forty-two words of padding were deleted and replaced by an eighteen-word purpose sentence that contains three facts. That deletion is what paid for everything else.
Three. Bullet one is now fully answered: 14 March, MR-40821, $1,340. All three invented, all three consistent with each other and with the subject line. This alone lifts Task Fulfilment out of the cap.
Four. The prompt's own nouns are used: a box of kitchen items, not one of the boxes. The fidelity problem is gone.
Five. Category words became events. My cabinet was damaged became the glass door of my display cabinet had cracked across its full width. That is the Vocabulary move, and it uses no rarer word than cracked.
Six. Intensifiers became consequences. This was very disappointing became I have had to buy replacements while I wait, and the cabinet cannot be used. The reader can now see the effect rather than being told about the feeling.
Seven. The request names an action and a date. Arrange an inspection this week, confirm in writing what compensation, reply by Friday 21 March. The third bullet is now complete, and do the needful is gone.
Band 11: what the last two points cost
Subject: Damage and Missing Items, Move on 14 March, Booking MR-40821
Dear Ms Okafor,
I am writing about damage and a loss that occurred during my move on 14 March, carried out under booking number MR-40821, for which I paid $1,340 for the full-service package.
When I began unpacking the following morning, I discovered that the glass door of my display cabinet had cracked across its full width, and that the box containing my kitchen items was not among those delivered. Your crew leader had assured me that both would be loaded last and handled separately, which is why I did not check them at the door.
The consequences have been practical rather than merely inconvenient. I have replaced the cookware I use daily at my own expense, and the cabinet has stood unusable in the hallway since the move.
On the crew leader's advice I contacted your office twice in the following week. Neither call was answered, and neither was returned.
I would be grateful if you could arrange for the cabinet to be inspected this week and confirm in writing what compensation you can offer for the missing box. I would appreciate a reply by Friday 21 March.
Sincerely,
Daniel Reyes
That is 199 words, at the top of the range, and it is doing two things the band 9 version does not.
What separates 9 from 11, and whether to chase it
Sentences carry more than one idea, cleanly. I discovered that the glass door had cracked ... and that the box containing my kitchen items was not among those delivered holds two parallel clauses in one controlled sentence. Sentence variety and control are named in Readability, and a sentence like that demonstrates both without risking a broken clause.
Facts are connected into a small argument. The crew leader's assurance now explains why the damage was not noticed at the door, and the two unanswered calls follow from his advice rather than sitting beside it. That is coherence at its strongest: the paragraph is not a list of true statements, it is a sequence in which each fact matters because of the one before.
Notice again what has not happened. There is no rare vocabulary. Discovered, assured, handled separately, at my own expense are ordinary phrases used exactly. The descriptor asks for sophisticated vocabulary used correctly, and correctly is carrying the weight.
Whether to chase this is a real question. Bands 11 and 12 are awarded only where no substantive weakness can be listed, they mean near-native control, and the version above uses 199 of your 200 words with no margin for a sentence you did not plan. For most candidates the better target is a solid 9 across all four criteria, because a 9 with three checked minutes beats an attempted 11 that ran out of clock.
The move worth practising, then, is the first one. Take one of your own answers, find the bullet that is mentioned rather than answered, delete the padding at the top, and spend those words on specifics. That is the 7-to-9 rewrite, it is about fifteen words of change, and it is available to you today.
Before rewriting, find the words that will pay for the upgrade. Padding at the top of the email is almost always enough: forty words of preamble is exactly the budget a starved bullet needs.
Practise it
Five judgements drawn from the three versions above.